I've been uncontrollably, insanely, madly in love with this guy since I was 13 (I am 17 now) and let's just say that the statement "crazy in love" wasn't anything less than the absolute truth. He was my first love, he was older and a very successful athlete so I looked up to him, and so he had my heart at, well, "hello." But we dated for a few months before he left for college but only saw each other at school. I was head over heels even though we weren't together anymore and continued to feel that way all through high school.
Well, the story goes that we ended up dating again, after three years of complete heartbreak, torture, and longing, and stayed together for about 4 months until we broke up and haven't talked since. & at first, I was okay with the break up, well okay as any girl can be when they break up with the one person they've always believed they'd spend their life with..but now I begin questioning myself. Did I make a mistake? What if he really was the one? I miss him, right? Well, right while I have been contemplating all of these crazy ideas I watched a movie with my mother that seemed to just answer all of my questions. Here is the quote:
"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
-Eat Pray ♥
Needless to say, maybe I have always been afraid to let go because I have always been afraid that there isn't anything better out there for me. Another quote from this movie says this:
"We should not be together because we are afraid of being ruined by being apart, we should not live together unhappily because we are afraid of being even more unhappy apart"
Once I heard these words, this is what I realized...I realized that this is EXACTLY what I had been thinking. I have been so afraid that I would be even more unhappy without this dude then with him. Of course over these past few months I have been pretty much over him...I don't cry at night over him anymore, don't linger too much on the past and my thoughts of him..BUT there was still this little, itty bitty piece that was just barely still hanging on. & now, I can be happy in the fact that I am letting go. Letting go for happiness, for peace, for better things.
Love,
JD
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